Dear Internet, A short Poem of Gratitude

Inspired by a bad Chuck Norris movie...
Internet, the best of friends,
You rarely let me down.
A clip from a crappy movie I just saw
On youtube there I found.
If you are short on time go to 0:52 in and watch.

That clip is Chuck Norris from the 1978 film, Good Guys Wear Black. I have a new rule that I try to give every movie on IFC a chance, not everything, mind you, but anything I have heard positive things about, anything that looks remotely interesting,  or movies I have been meaning to watch anyway. So I set my DVR to record this since it had Chuck Norris and it was on IFC. The plot was basically like Delta Force, but the team gets double-crossed and there is not enough action. Oh, and it was during blonde Chuck Norris days. The movie was horrible, but this particular scene was horribly delicious and I wanted to share it with you. Pay it forward, internet!

Leno Back on the Tonight Show to My Own Chagrin

This is what it sounds like when doves cry. And yes, that is a picture of Jay Leno and  Diamond Dallas Page from Leno's arc on WCW that ended in a pay-per view of the team of DDP, Jay Leno, and Kevin Eubanks beating (ludicrous) a team of NWO wrestlers including Hulk Hogan and I can not remember. Do not judge me for watching wrestling. I was a teenager living in the southeastern United States when that happened. Is that not what I was supposed to be doing, New York media?
Being as vindictive as I am I had no intentions of watching Leno's return to the Tonight Show last night. I never watched Leno before due to his whole 'not being funny thing' and in general douchery. I instead planned to have someone fetch me a list of all advertisers on his show and make them mortal enemies, but then I began drinking and started looking for a fight. I saw a tweet reminding me Leno was back and figured I would switch over to NBC to get some ammo to make fun of him. If only I had planned ahead and live-blogged the Tonight Show's move to irrelevance. I tuned in at about the end of his monologue to self-congratulation and the same 'reach for the lowest shelf' humor to which we have grown accustomed from Jay Leno. Here is a story by Hank Stuever from the Washington Post in which he calls Leno's return a "win for the middle of the road" and said his return to the Tonight Show gave off "a victorious air." It gave off some sort of air (fart joke.) The first "joke" I heard was Leno calling Alan Greenspan boring. First off, does he not know we have a new Federal Reserve Chairmen to make fun of/ come up with conspiracy theories about? And Leno can not call anyone boring since he has failed to ever even make me smile. Then he had the obliviousness to call people on Wall Street whores, him being the most dutiful corporate shill the world has ever known. Simply astonishing. Now that I have vented my bitterness I can go back to watching NBC minimally. My new rule is I only watch NBC for Community, Parks & Recreation, 30 Rock, and their NFL coverage. And pay attention to the companies that advertise on the show and get back to me with the list, internet.

Elton John Said Whaaaaaat?

Controversial quotes are great if you want to be remembered. Elton John must desire a level of infamy or he may have been high when he gave this interview recently. Here is the actual quote that I predict will only further his gay legend of legendary gayness:

“I think Jesus was a compassionate, super-intelligent gay man who understood human problems. On the cross, he forgave the people who crucified him. Jesus wanted us to be loving and forgiving. I don’t know what makes people so cruel. Try being a gay woman in the Middle East — you’re as good as dead.”

Calling Jesus homosexual? Is that offensive? Faces of death thinks that is in poor taste. What, John Mayer's interview in Playboy did not want any of that? Ha, that was my Jim Rome impression. You probably did not get it, though. It is only fair that Elton John gets to have an opinion on Christianity. Enough Christians have an opinion on his lifestyle to balance things out I assure you. That is not to say his take is correct, though. The idea that Jesus was gay has no basis in historical or religious record, but if you say things while accenting them flamboyantly an education is not required, I guess. Even in the context of the rest of the interview Sir Elton's comments are not supported rationally. The two previous quotes deal with his addiction and psychosis concerning cocaine and how the drug was the building block of all of his romantic relationships. After that base of knowledge I am now supposed to take your views on religion seriously? Just be on your merry way, Tiny Dance, I like William Shatner's interpretation of Rocketman better than your original performance anyway.
Riddle finish: If the theory of intelligent design is false then how did Christopher Hitchens get so damn smart? Think about it. Get to the second level.

Our Stupid Kids Are Stupid and the Future

That makes the future pretty damn stupid. Children in school are mostly stupid. Yes, that was a broad generalization, but you can you disagree with it? I dare you. I have first-hand and second-hand knowledge on the matter. Let me share a little of it with you. I spend time with a group of kids in an informal classroom setting where I am one of the adults that supervises/teaches the group. These are normal kids of various races who do not drool on themselves, but they do have one obvious deficiency. That can not speak. They can not say words clearly. If a teacher's name was Mrs. Johnson they would call her "mi jonsu." They do not know how to say all of the letters. Did these little shits not have phonics in first fucking grade? It frustrates me so because the kids I will have will grow up with little shits probably worse than these influencing them to drop various consonants and pronounce long vowels short and short vowels long in the wrong words. This isn't fahkin Baaaaahstaahn for faaaahhck's sake.
Funny story about Boston: I visited there when I was much younger with my grandmother, mother, and little sister. It was about as much fun as it sounds. We were just a weird southern family in the big city and one night we were getting a pizza and there was some jag-off employee talking loudly on the phone and this is what I hear, "Nancy, are you gonna go to the potty with me tonight or not?" I was young at this time, but I was old enough to realize this was not something that people normally talk about with strangers present so I got my mom's attention and give her a look and a nonchalant nod toward the potty-goer as if to say, "Mom, I know we are in the big city and everything, but why are people talking loudly on the phone about going to the bathroom with other people? Is this one of those times we see on TV when we should be scared in the big city?" My mom reassured me that everything was ok and once we were safe in the car she explained the whole Boston accent thing to me about dropping their "r's" and what not. Thanks to her I was later able to get that Mark Wahlberg joke in The Departed years later. Thanks, mom.

 

I doubt the girl I heard on the phone looked anywhere near this good. This is probably a paid model.

Back to what triggered me to write this post today, click read more below...

Tax-Time

Like many Americans, I approach tax time with a nervous anticipation akin to taking an aptitude test. I could be a genius. I could be an idiot. I could get some money back or I could owe the government more money. Americans become overwhelmed each year when they sit down to do their taxes (that is, the people who are not having their taxes done by accountants while they sit in their ivory towers) focused on compliance. I better make sure everything is correct or the big bad government may smite me, smite me right in the crotch. A few years ago I had to send the IRS money since they informed me I did not pay enough out of my check every week to keep our ignorant, lumbering, debt-incurring behemoth of a government provided with the cash-flow they needed to waste money and make their friends rich. Oh, I sound bitter do I? Well, this check I had to make out to the IRS was four figures. Now you understand my frustration. I finished my taxes this week and sent them off begrudgingly, but I thought I should channel my feelings into knowledge. In my internet endeavor to find out how much of a percentage we pay in yearly income tax I came across this page on the Now and Futures website. Their page has a good breakdown of what percentage we pay of our total income to taxes, and I think I just got sick to my stomach. This was way too infuriating of a topic. If you live in a state with no income tax you have roughly 25% taken out of your paycheck. That does not include sales tax, fuel tax, property tax, and other miscellaneous taxes. Wow, I have finally arrived. I have a spouse, a house, and $40,000 per year job. Let me see what I can buy or if I can have kids. Where is all my money going? I make $40,000 an effin year! You see, that $40,000 is really less than $30,000 after the government takes what they have earned by you breaking your back at your crap job. You are not really making what you think you are making. Bottom line: the government that gives us lip service about wanting to make this country great again and says they want to stimulate the country and see growth is really hurting us by wasting the money we do pay in income tax. Good, so we have a cycle that will only hasten the sun setting on American civilization. Way to accentuate the positive, huh?

Breaking News: Conan on Twitter

Breaking news/news of the day: Conan O'Brien is on twitter at http://twitter.com/ConanOBrien or @conanobrien if you prefer to find it that way. I got the link from the guy who managed Conan's web presence when he was on The Tonight Show, Aaron Bleyhart who can be found at http://twitter.com/BigBley, so I consider that a fairly reliable source. When I first clicked on Conan's profile there were only 567 followers and now he has over 25,000 so there you go.

Nonpopulist's Browsings of the Day

 

Quality link collection if I do say so myself. I meant to burn off some of these last week, but here they are now. Deal with it. If you are that mad about it then leave an angry comment. I will honestly take any comment I can get. I know people read this because I see the page views, but there are too many chickens with too little to add out there. That probably did not help, did it?

The phrase, "That's what she said," has been overused for several months, but somehow it is still funny to me. Sometimes I do not think things are funny until they are run into the ground, though. That is a me problem.[Huffington Post]

Roger Ebert interviews Leonardo DiCaprio.This is a great interview. Even though Shutter Island did well at the box office a lot of people are saying was not good. Good thing that does not affect me. I will see it because of the good will Scorcese and DiCaprio have built up over time and decide for myself. That is the nonpopulist thing to do. [Rogerebert.com]

Just like Grandma used to make. This seems like good news for bacon. Do I have your attention now? Interesting article by Harry Kreisler of Alternet. [Alternet]

U.S. troops being handicapped during Afghan offensive. After watching Generation Kill and knowing all the mistakes that have been made in Iraq and Afghanistan I understand it, but it is still very difficult for the soldiers. [MSNBC]

Liam being Liam. Liam Gallagher of Oasis fame (American translation- the guy who sang Wonderwall) made a twat of himself at the Brit Awards. What's new? I am an unapologetic Oasis fan even though I am an American. I definitely side with Noel in the breakup of the band. [The Telegraph]

Wow. Just read this. A college professor had his students dress up in a Muslim-style veil for a day. [Alternet]

Danny Glover dancing with predators. Nothing to see here. [FilmDrunk]

A touching passage of prose. Read it if you like quality. [Kelly Oxford]

Tom Morello or Rage Against the Machine is still raging against the machine- thank goodness. [OC Weekly]

Epic Beard Man Follow-up

So he may have PTSD and this video may make you a little emotional, but here is an update on the man the internet has dubbed "Epic Beard Man."


So what if he used the term chinamen and not whatever the damned term they prefer is, are you perfect? I did not think so. The best line- "I says, you're gonna get a Vietnam now, mother." But do not forget this gem- "And I whipped his butt so fast, so quick, so pretty." Yes, you did, Tommy Slick. Yes you did. Do not mind that he thinks just because he is 67 he can carry a shank on him. At best, Epic Beard Man (you damn well better capitalize his name) is a little off tilt, but he is like the character in a story that seems dumb, but really gives the moments of lucidity and truth. And remember, "Don't f@#$ with senior citizens. They may surprise you sometimes."

911 Is a Joke in Tracy, California

Tracy, California, I am sure it is a nice place to live, decent schools, nice people, a population of around 80,000, and hometown to MC Hammer according to Wikipedia. There is a problem with Tracy, though. The residents of Tracy will now have to pay to call 911 for emergency services. That is what inspired the above picture. I thought it was a joke when I first saw a tweet about it last week. Unfortunately for the residents of Tracy, CA it is not a joke. Residents do have options, however. They can pay a flat $48 fee for a whole year, pay $300 every time they use it, or the most unlikely choice of not calling 911 if they need emergency services. 911 service is surely one of the most essential services provided by local government, and raises a gigantic red flag if a city sees no other option than to begin charging for its most basic of functions. What are they spending money on if not 911? Is someone skimming? Are the people in charge just extremely bad at prioritizing? Something is amiss in the hometown of MC Hammer. Thomas Friedman, of The World is Flat fame, hypothesizes that this seemingly small news item signals a larger trend. I tend to believe what he has to write and say. I read The World is Flat and it was probably one of the smartest books I have read. He feels this is one of many coming measures introduced to get America through "the lean years." Read his story to get his whole take, but I think he is on to something. A city that charges for 911 is still ridiculous.

Conan Found a Way to Stick it to NBC

Breaking news via The Wrap: Conan O'Brien is planning a national tour of "several cities" as a creative work-around to the clause in his exit deal with NBC that he could not be back on television until September. I am crossing my fingers that he will come to a city near me. The story also points out that Fox is still the most likely destination for Conan when NBC quits lording over his life. Meanwhile, the stage show should be fun.

Tiger Woods: A Source for Jokes

Tiger Woods' prepared statement read in front of a group of 'friends' was in short, interesting. Tiger invoking Buddhism made Richard Gere poop the gerbil out of his ass for sure, but who am I to judge? I am an anonymous blogger, that is who, bitch. If he was really sorry and had perspective on the whole situation he would understand why the media had such a throbbing boner for stories about his... throbbing, drug-strengthened boner. He denied steroids and that Elin beat him up- whatever, I hate golf.
Here are some reactions I saw on twitter, a twurvey, if you will? You will not? Fine.

@twoeightnine Funny, my core values actually include banging everything in sight.
@BorowitzReport First impression: that third Ambien this morning was a mistake.
@ProFootballtalk At some point, Tiger drifted from buddhism to "booty-ism." (Icouldn't resist.)
@offendthis Tiger invoking Buddhism made Richard Gere poop the gerbil out of his ass. Last Tiger tweet.

 Elin is still hot, though, so there is that.