American Idol Announces New Judges, People with Brains Collectively Sound a High-Pitched Mouth Fart

The people who are into this show have always sort of annoyed me, but all of the buzz as to who the next warm bodies to sit in the judge's chair would be annoyed me enough that something needed to be written. Entertainment blogs and websites have been abuzz with opinions and rumors on who will be the new American Idol judges for a while now. I'd rather be updated with stories about the amount of herpes the cast of The Jersey Shore have. O wait, we have that too. Valtrex passed around like candies, you say? Lovely. Pop culture is full of whores. There are money whores, actual whores, fame whores. I'd say there is a mix of these various kinds of whores in the selection of judges for this season's American Idol. (ed note: Should shows like this really be typed in italics? No.)

The first judge is Randy Jackson. He is the only carryover judge. I saw today in a story about American Idol that Randy Jackson's twitter is handle @yo_randyjackson. Really? I get it because in every thing I ever see making fun of him he always says, "Yo" and "Dog." It makes sense. He could have almost even gone with @yodawgJackson or @yodawgyoumydawgyo. And no I am not linking to that crap on my blog.

The second judge will be Jennifer Lopez. I remember a time when I thought she was hot (I mean pretty, not trendy), but the stories about what an insufferable person she is to work with have really influenced my thinking. I just assume she is a bitch. And she did Gigli and whatever else she's done that does not matter at all to me. She is reportedly getting $12 million for her "work" on American Idol this year. Meanwhile some homeless guy got mad when I told him no when he asked for change the other week. I asked him for change, and he called me crazy which I thought was thoroughly racist. What? Do you think every white guy is the Brad Wesley character from Roadhouse? I work for a living too, asshole, and hard. I don't have a lot of extra money laying around to give to somebody who has given up on life. I'm actually trying over here.

The third judge will be Steven Tyler. I'm not for certain why I have such a personal bias against Steven Tyler, but I think part of it is this girl I was into met him on vacation one time and got a picture with him. Nothing happened (she was with her parents and still a minor at the time) between them, but I saw the picture when she got back and said something to the effect of, "O, that's cool that you don't discriminate and are willing to take pictures with alien-looking lesbians. She did not enjoy my humor at this moment, and she discovered how stubborn I was when I would not quit making fun of how he looked despite her multiple protests. She did not get the joke at first and informed me he was the guy from Aerosmith. I really do not understand why such a large percentage of women find Steven Tyler attractive, but they do. He doesn't even look human, and it's not close. It perturbs me in the old noggin. And Aerosmith as a band? Meh. To wrap up that story about the girl that met Steven Tyler I only let her touch my penis one time. To sum up my feelings on anything American Idol-related- *high-pitched mouth fart*.

That was a good, hate-filled warm up. I plan on submitting to the torture that the new NBC show crap sandwich Outsourced most definitely will be in order that I may write about how it will likely be a method of abortion on par with the "wire coat hanger method." My goal, my mission in life is to cause this show to get canceled. I want to verbally eviscerate all who are responsible for this show. This is the battle I have chosen, people. I am so tired of crappy television and this will be my Hamburger Hill. WHO'S WITH ME? /crickets

Site News: Where the Hell Have I Been?

You may have noticed the gaping hole in the internet where my daily blog posts at the three sites for which I write (this one, The Nonpopulist, The Gally Blog, and EDGE.) Well, there's a reasonable explanation for the lack of mediocre posts cresting the waves of the internet last week. You see, I began a new contract job last week, and it has been running me fairly ragged. I have to be there early, work eight hours, and then drive over an hour to get back and forth from the site. Not that I'm complaining, though, this is the steadiest job I have had for a while, and the pay is excellent. I'm no longer sucking entirely off of the teat of my sugar mama... figuratively. Literally, I still am sucking... never mind. The point is after a few days of not being able to dick around on the internet all day I miss it. I really miss it. I am looking back longingly on the days I didn't even take a shower in favor of keeping a close watch on all of the twitter and internet goings-on. Then rushing around the house when my wife got home to pretend as if I had done some laundry or dishes or something in the yard. Ahh, the deceitful good ol' days. Maybe when this contract is over I can come back to a life of crude jokes and internet assholery. The contract is supposed to be 2-3 months, but we'll see. I and the people I am working with are already streamlining the sh!t out of the place. I'm coming running back to you internet with high-pitch Steve Perry open arms. Until then I will try to pepper in some posts in the evening. I also think I'll focus more on my serious writing (i.e. novel), but whatever. That's not funny or entertaining as of now.

Crimes Against Nature: Autotuned Wolves

Don't click play on this video unless you want it to get funky. T-Pain is going to be so jealous because these wolves can sing! And by sing I mean do what they normally do but make it sound dumber by adding a vocal processor onto their voice called autotune. These poor animals, where is PETA when they are really needed?

Now that his singing career has long been over...

Hat tip to Household Hacker where I found the link to the video. And to whoever made the LOL wolf above, Thank you.

Browsings of the Day: Geocitiesized!

We all remember geocities, right? Relive those days of old with a new website that allows you to Geocitiesize any webpage. It is as fun as it sounds. The above picture is from fukung.net. You can find more of their funny pictures at their facebook page.

Become a fan of The Nonpopulist on Facebook!

This handy poster is illuminating. Our government spends money poorly. [Death and Taxes]

Community is one of my favorite shows on television. I rarely do a post about it because there is such a saturation in the market. Every other blog in the world is posting about Alison Brie and her escapades, animated gifs, etc. Here's something different, an interview with Dan Harmon, the creator of Community. He is also one of my favorite people to follow on twitter. [Paste Magazine]


Phillies fan taser meme. A little past its prime at this point, but a nice review if you missed any of it. It's no Epic Beard Man, but it will do. [Holy Taco]

SBNation has conducted a scientific poll regarding adults and the wearing of sports jerserys. I'm a jersey t-shirt guy myself. [SBNation]

Vince at FilmDrunk always comes up with great titles for posts. This post is about a movie with Kristen Wiig and he titled it "Kristen Wiig Juggles Flaming Cum or Something." He's got a gift, people. [FilmDrunk]

A recent post I did over at EDGE, one of the other blogs I write for, on President Obama telling college graduates to not waste all of their time on or trust in new media. I pretty much blasted him. See for yourself. Girls and their slutty facebook drinking pictures are discussed. [EDGE]

A post I did for the other blog I write for, The Gally Blog, on the whole Lawrence Taylor situation. I have to warn you, it's tongue-in-cheek. Actually, I hope it's a little offensive. I just covered the story from a different angle. [The Gally Blog]

For a musical selection I give you Grand Buffet. I was riding around in my car the other day playing my ipod and Grand Buffet hit the speakers and my car took off like a rocket ship, the speakers melted onto my ball sack, and I turned potent again. From my cursory internet research I have determined that they are on some sort of hiatus. Also, they have almost no youtube videos with good sound quality.

Nonpopulist's Browsings of the Day: Web Soup Joke and Gillian Jacobs Gif

Many of you may be aware of the television show Web Soup that airs on G4TV on Wednesday nights. You may also be aware they have a segment titled "Twittershots" where they post a video the prior week on twitter with the intent of using three jokes from twitter users on the show. I have tweeted a joke to the show a few times and 75% of the time I feel the jokes I tweeted are better than the ones used on the show. The only conclusion I can draw from this is they only check the tweets during a certain time period and choose the best joke from that small window. With that being said, here is the video they are going to use for "Twittershots" on tonight's show followed by my joke.


The joke I tweeted for them to use is, "@websoup now let's see you hit the broad side of that pool without a man's hand on your ass." I guarantee that is funnier than the jokes they will use unless they actually pick me this time. The show airs Wednesdays at 8 EST.

A 24-hour documentary channel? Yes, please. It's times like these I am glad I have DirectTV. [Documentary Channel]

Trey Parker and Matt Stone, creators of South Park, are facing death threats after using Mohammad in a recent episode. My advice to the guys is keep up the good work, and if you need to hide somewhere come to the South where they have guns and dislike Muslims. [WWTDD]

A well thought-out and nicely executed flow chart on which summer action movie is right for you. Funny stuff. [Vulture Blog]

Conan O'Brien got a letter asking him to prom a few years ago. He responded. The response note will now be moved the Library of Congress. [Letter of Note]

Hackers catching heat. [Alt Report]

This was interesting to me. Wikipedia article on Werner Erhard and The Collection of Crazy People Known as Scientology. [Wikipedia]

A collection of pictures that indeed made me say WTF. [Regretful Morning]

Jeff Zucker, keep Conan O'Brien's name out of your damn mouth. Just shutup. [Vulture Blog]

Boaterhome? Boaterhome.

Have you always wanted to be king of the road? Have you failed miserably at every attempt? What you need is the Boaterhome. The 1987 Sport King Boaterhome to be exact. It's a motor home, but it's also a boat. Quit being a bitch on the road and\or water! Man up with comfort, style, and presence. Show the road, water, and all drivers therein you have a pair of balls that ladies enjoy servicing with the Boaterhome.
Bidding for this majestic land behemoth is currently at $21,000. "$21,000?!?!?!? I'd be a fool not put in a bid," is what you might be saying. Actually, you'd be a pussy, and my advice is to not be a pussy in front of your children. That causes all sorts of developmental problems. There were only 21 of these recreational super vehicles made. That's rarified air you could be driving and boating in. But wait, there's more.
From the Ebay listing:

"The Boaterhome is a 1987 Ford Econoline E-350 Van with a launchable 28’ Sport King inland Cruiser self contained boat.

On the land you use it as a motorhome, and when you get to the boat ramp, just back down into the water and the boat floats off in under 2 minutes."

You still have about 23 hours to make the Boaterhome your statement on the road. There have been over twenty bids, so you may have some steep competition out there.
Warning: the Boaterhome Sport King will not start if you are impotent. The potency sensor in the seat can not be disabled.

http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&_rdc=1&item=190390193919&ru=http%3A%2F%2Fshop.ebay.com%3A80%2F%3F_from%3DR40%26_trksid%3Dp3907.m570.l1313%26_nkw%3D190390193919%26_sacat%3DSee-All-Categories%26_fvi%3D1&viewitem=

Did I just do a free commercial post for something awesome? Yes, I did. Thanks to "Thousand-Yard Stare" Bill for the link.

Conan Tour Update: I Still Can't Go, Am Envious

I'm still sad I can't go to any of Conan's tour stops. In fact, a tear just dropped in my beer. I'm seeing all of these poor quality videos fans are posting on Youtube, (although I appreciate the effort) and it only intensifies the waves of self-pity I feel. Proximity is not an issue. Conan's tour is coming to a city within reasonable driving distance. The bigger issue was my lack of money around the time the tickets went on sale. Now I could afford it but alas, I will have to make due with bouncy videos with either too loud or too low audio. Sad sigh... Here is one of the latest videos I have found that appears to be a video intro Conan O'Brien uses to open the show.


There is a lot of Conan news out there nowadays, but only here at The Nonpopulist can you find such a downer post. Let me add something different to this sad sack post to make it sadder, but also uplifting. I looked for a reference for this online a few days ago, but couldn't find anything so this will just be hearsay until I can find something backing it up. Shortly after 9/11, maybe even a few days after, when people were still scared to even get on airplanes I remember a story about Conan O'Brien being in an airport and being approached by an employee of an airline or the airport (again, fuzzy on the details, this is from memory) after recognizing him. The employee asked for Conan's help because there was a room of people that were scared to fly, many of them emotional. Conan complied, but I can picture him looking puzzled at what he could do to help but doing it because he knew he should. In his mind he probably just turned on monologue Conan and went in the room hoping for the best. The only thing I know was said by Conan was one of his signature lines that he doesn't use much anymore, but always said it in a higher-pitched voice, "Be cool, my babies." That is one of the coolest things done by anyone, anywhere, at any time. It still tugs on my heart strings. Conan is a class act, and that story for which I can't find any substantiation proves it.
Also, Conan is going to be on 60 Minutes this Sunday, May 2nd, and they may have to blur his face out in promos for the show since his interview gag order isn't lifted until May 1st. [Movieline]

KFC's Double Down: My Experience

The new Double Down sandwich from KFC has been getting a lot of attention (mostly negative) with its nationwide release this past Monday, April 12th. The sandwich is unique in that it is a sandwich with no bread, but instead 2 chicken breasts holding the contents of bacon, cheese, and a special sauce that I think is some sort of mayonnaise base. I have heard all of the negative comments people have made such as, "This is the reason America is fat." Well, no, this sandwich just became a reality so all of the overeating and lack of exercise before this point is technically what made America fat. I admit this sandwich will probably not help the obesity of America, but I still had to try it for the novelty. I did the same when I heard about the double mcgangbang sandwich from McDonald's which they don't advertise but should, and I wrote a post about that, so why not do the same with my Double Down experience?
Once I get my food from the drive-thru (which took a while) I open the box so that I may behold the behemoth. It looks big, and it should be big because the combo meal was $6.99. You have priced me out for the future already charging that much, KFC. On my way home I remember that when I tried the double mcgangbang (can't type that enough) I got a Sparks from the gas station. I remember I'm out of beer so that's a good enough excuse to stop and pick up a Sparks while I'm at it. Yay, now it's a tradition. If you've never had Sparks it's a malt liquor energy drink. I highly recommend them. You can learn more by going to a gas station and picking one up. On the way home I can't help but try one of the fries. I don't go to KFC all that much so I had no idea their fries were so good. They're more like potato wedges actually. When I get home and get ready to start eating I realize the Double Down doesn't look all that big. The flavor of the breading on the chicken is good, but I can do without the sauce on the sandwich. Midway through I am starting to feel my stomach fill up. No need for dinner tonight.

I have also drunk most of the Sparks at this point so I am starting to feel a little buzz and the carbonation bubbles are taking up precious room in my gullet. I finish the sandwich and fries and lean back and pray that this monster digests. Overall I give the sandwich a B-, but the experience an A-. People need to calm down about this sandwich. Most people that actually try one will not go back a second time. I won't. Health nuts need to calm down in general. I'm not saying we should all be fat tubs, but anyone can die in a car accident. Limiting your calorie intake and working out two hours a day for your whole life won't matter much then, will it?

Conan's New Show on TBS and First Tour Stop

TBS? Really Conesy? Conan announced yesterday via twitter and several news outlets have confirmed that Conan will indeed host a late night show this fall but not on Fox as had been rumored. No, TBS is the winner of the Conan O'Brien sweepstakes, although I simply cannot imagine what made TBS, the Superstation and place where I watched Atlanta Braves baseball growing up, the better choice. I'll watch Conan anywhere he goes, but this decision is baffling to me. I'm honestly overwhelmed by the glut of Conan coverage available on the internet, and I have about 6 firefox tabs open to prove it . Where were you people months ago when I was emailing NBC and Hulu to make sure that me watching the show on Hulu counted toward the ratings or was kept track of in some way? I guess Conan has always been a periphery comedy source that people have taken him for granted. For me he was always a focus. Save for a few years before the existence of DVR and when crazy college life made it impractical to watch him I have been a regular viewer since about his 5th season at the old Late Night gig. I guess I'll remain hopeful since that what Conan's wish was in his last episode as Tonight Show host when he told me to "never be cynical." Here's some links worth reading I have collected.
Blog Critics'
Chocago Sun-Times
AltReport (joke)
Vulture Blog (with video)
Conan's first tour stop was last night and pictures and video have leaked already. Vulture Blog has a good post on it. I'm still bitter because I won't be able to attend the tour stop in my area.

I'm inconsolable right now. I hope things work for Conan on TBS. Maybe he chose them since it's not a major network and he will have a little more leeway since no one will be clamoring for his job besides George Lopez.

Nonpopulist's Browsings of the Day

What's good, internet? Anyone got any anecdotal info on Salvia? I heard about it on a rerun of Tosh.0. Apparently this stuff is legal. If it's legal, sign me up.

I saw this picture posted on Postsecret's twitter feed. It was snapped at SXSW in Austin TX.

Net neutrality takes a step back. If there is anything to get passionate about, this is it, people. Get informed and get active. [AP via Google]
To take action go here- [Save the Internet]

Online glossary with some important internet lingo. This will help the elderly and oblivious. [ShaneBacon Tumblr]

The Tiger Woods soundboard. These are always fun for a few minutes. [Slate]

"Screw countercultures," says Chodin in this Uproxx feature. [Uproxx]

Cat in a polo shirt? Sure, why not. [h0rkblr]

Unreality has 8 funny Jorma Taccone videos. He' s one of the guys from Lonely Island and he is a writer on Saturday Night Live among other credits. [Unreality]

The inventor of box wine has passed away. Spout some out for the homie. RIP [Asylum]

Nonpopulist's Browsings of the Day

Unhappy April Fool's Day! Let us all collectively give a sigh, eyeroll, and dismissive hand wank motion to one of the stupidest days of the year. I've only fallen for one April Fool's joke, and I'm not telling you what it was because it's embarrassing. I need some links to get me through the day, and I bet you do as well. Let me oblige you. In other news I just signed on to blog out with my balls out at The Edge. All that means is as The Nonpopulist's virus spreads across the internet, the host (this site) will become more and more sickly. It will stay alive and I will definitely use this site as an aggregate for my links as they appear elsewhere online.

The above picture was posted on Kurt Sutter's twitter account. He's the creator of Sons of Anarchy and offered Conan a guest spot on the show as an IRA gangster after his departure from NBC. I wish he would take him up on it.

The Hangover 2 is happening. I just recently saw the first one through the magic of Netflix. It was funny. Here's hoping #2 is as good. [FilmDrunk]

I like a good Tumblr site. I like animated gifs. Those two things combined equal love. I found this on Aziz Ansari's twitter feed. [gifs of popular rappers]

So hopefully the rumor that Michael Bay is doing a remake of Rosemary's Baby is just a rumor. Entertainment Weekly seems to think so [Entertainment Weekly]

In a post for The Gally Blog I detail some of NFL player Chris Johnson's demands before he will play next season for the Tennessee Titans. [The Gally Blog]

Rise of the 'Retrosexual.' Not much explanation needed to get you to click on this link. [WithLeather]

I'll leave you with a video of Noel Gallagher sans most of Oasis playing a gig at Royal Albert Hall to benefit the charity Teenage Cancer Trust. Please go solo, Noel. Please.

Nonpopulist's Browsings of the Day

The above picture is a logo alphabet. I knew eighteen out of twenty-five. It looks like they combined "W" and "V."

A newish meme, "Release the Kraken," is making the rounds on the 'tubes. To be honest, this one is underwhelming, probably because it is trying to follow Epic Beard Man. Release the kraken is still funny, though. [Urlesque]

Alternet has compiled a list of ten overreactions to the health care bill passing. A list of under reactions has yet to be compiled that I have found. It's funny how people are now all over Rush Limbaugh, ribbing him that he should be packing his bags for Costa Rica afer he said he would move there if the health care reform bill passed. It's just the latest case of 'gotcha internetism.' (like gotcha journalism) It's kind of silly to hold him to his rhetorical boasts. It's like when I was in high school, and we were playing this really crappy team of inbred rednecks in basketball. In the locker room before the game I said if we were lost to this team I would castrate myself. Well, you can see where this is going... We lost to the team of inbred rednecks in spectacular fashion and afterward everyone was trying to make a joke of me cutting my balls off, and the coach was even laughing about it. Hey guys, you missed the point. We just lost to a really bad team that we should have beaten. We were a very bad team- true story. [Alternet]

Remember that show The Unit? Yeh, me neither. I think it had the first president from 24 in it. Anyway, David Mamet created it and this memo to the writers of his creation is fairly awesome. In it he gives some valuable writing advice including, "DO *NOT* WRITE A CROCK OF SHIT. WRITE A RIPPING THREE, FOUR, SEVEN MINUTE SCENE WHICH MOVES THE STORY ALONG, AND YOU CAN, VERY SOON, BUY A HOUSE IN BEL AIR *AND* HIRE SOMEONE TO LIVE THERE FOR YOU."
Duly noted, Mamet. I first saw this here at The Cajun Boy blog who got it from a tumblr called "Diablo Cody is not even her real name." [Diablo Cody is not even her real name]

James Cameron calling Glenn Beck an asshole? That is like Ulysses S. Grant calling Bill Clinton corrupt. Let's just agree that they are both tools. [The Hollywood Reporter]

The Indian Military takes terrorism seriously. Have you ever had jalapeno juice on your fingers and wiped your eyes? It SUCKS. [Gamma Squad]

The Double McGangBang Is an Epic Win

No, it's not a Ronald McDonald and Grimace sex tape link. It is an epic combination of items on McDonald's dollar menu that will take days, possibly weeks, off of your life. The Double McGangBang is a McDonald's McChicken Sandwich inside of a double cheeseburger. I was so fascinated when I first heard about it via this link from Gunaxin (although I think they got it from somewhere else but I'm not laboring through the internet link trail since I feel arteries hardening at this point) that I had to try it for myself. I, of course, have photo documentation.

Yes, I got a Sparks for lunch. Don't judge me! My initial thoughts are, "Whoa, this is huge. I'm going to have to squish it down to get it in my mouth (That's what she said.) Ah, damnit, there is mayonnaise on the chicken sandwich. I hate mayonnaise, or as I like to call it 'abortion juice,' so much that I forget some people actually like it and restaurants actually put it on sandwiches (not that McDonald's is a restaurant.) Anyway, the taste bouquet is masking the mayo taste well, but after the first two bites I am starting to feel full. I purposely have not eaten anything today and only had coffee and water to drink. This is not feeling good. On alternating bites I am liking the taste and then feeling disgusted with myself. Photo update:

At this point I am glad I did not get any fries, but I am definitely not going to eat the two apple pies I got just because they give you two for one dollar. I am done with the Sparks Red and I have a lump in my stomach. This must be the price all investigative journalists pay to get to the heart of the story. This story is going straight to my heart and hardening on the way. I feel gross. I regret NOTHING!

Nonpopulist's Browsings of the Day

 Tina Fey, why do you continue to confuse my boner?

Have you sadly come to the realization that you will never visit Paris? Let your self-pity marinate by viewing an interactive map of the sites around the town you will never visit. [Paris 26 Gigapixels]

A tumblr devoted to Mystery Science Theater 3000 haikus, that is at least a weekly click. [http://mst3khaiku.tumblr.com/]

A Steven Seagal emotion chart.

Couchsurfing! If I was still a college student or single I would be all over this. Now I will settle with being all over a porn based on this. [Couchsurfing]

An intrepid look at the Neon Deion Sanders in his post- playing days pursuit. I am glad for the update, but I am not sure what to make of him after reading this article. Make my mind up for me, sportswriter! [ESPN]

Shia "Rough" Lebeouf (I think I got that from FilmDrunk) gives a little bit more information about that wreck where he lost fingers that have been replaced by hip bone pieces. That's rough, Lebeouf. [Technorati]

More information on Conan's upcoming nationwide tour. [LA Times]

The government is watching you on the Facebook. O noes! They can't see me looking at only pictures of girls in bathing suits, can they? [Readwriteweb]

So, 24, you recycled the girl double agent storyline on the Dana Walsh character? I didn't like her character at all anyway and now you've made me hate her. Jerks.

Your Grandmother

Hey, I found a picture of your grandmother on the internet.

This lovely lady is Zhang Ruifang, a 100 year-old Chinese woman. The story I found about her on Oddity Central reports the horn only began growing last year, so she is really horny. I am sorry for grabbing all of this low-hanging fruit. What am I, Jay Leno? It has got to be hard to sleep with that thing, poor lady.