Wednesday, September 22, 2010

American Idol Announces New Judges, People with Brains Collectively Sound a High-Pitched Mouth Fart

The people who are into this show have always sort of annoyed me, but all of the buzz as to who the next warm bodies to sit in the judge's chair would be annoyed me enough that something needed to be written. Entertainment blogs and websites have been abuzz with opinions and rumors on who will be the new American Idol judges for a while now. I'd rather be updated with stories about the amount of herpes the cast of The Jersey Shore have. O wait, we have that too. Valtrex passed around like candies, you say? Lovely. Pop culture is full of whores. There are money whores, actual whores, fame whores. I'd say there is a mix of these various kinds of whores in the selection of judges for this season's American Idol. (ed note: Should shows like this really be typed in italics? No.)

The first judge is Randy Jackson. He is the only carryover judge. I saw today in a story about American Idol that Randy Jackson's twitter is handle @yo_randyjackson. Really? I get it because in every thing I ever see making fun of him he always says, "Yo" and "Dog." It makes sense. He could have almost even gone with @yodawgJackson or @yodawgyoumydawgyo. And no I am not linking to that crap on my blog.

The second judge will be Jennifer Lopez. I remember a time when I thought she was hot (I mean pretty, not trendy), but the stories about what an insufferable person she is to work with have really influenced my thinking. I just assume she is a bitch. And she did Gigli and whatever else she's done that does not matter at all to me. She is reportedly getting $12 million for her "work" on American Idol this year. Meanwhile some homeless guy got mad when I told him no when he asked for change the other week. I asked him for change, and he called me crazy which I thought was thoroughly racist. What? Do you think every white guy is the Brad Wesley character from Roadhouse? I work for a living too, asshole, and hard. I don't have a lot of extra money laying around to give to somebody who has given up on life. I'm actually trying over here.

The third judge will be Steven Tyler. I'm not for certain why I have such a personal bias against Steven Tyler, but I think part of it is this girl I was into met him on vacation one time and got a picture with him. Nothing happened (she was with her parents and still a minor at the time) between them, but I saw the picture when she got back and said something to the effect of, "O, that's cool that you don't discriminate and are willing to take pictures with alien-looking lesbians. She did not enjoy my humor at this moment, and she discovered how stubborn I was when I would not quit making fun of how he looked despite her multiple protests. She did not get the joke at first and informed me he was the guy from Aerosmith. I really do not understand why such a large percentage of women find Steven Tyler attractive, but they do. He doesn't even look human, and it's not close. It perturbs me in the old noggin. And Aerosmith as a band? Meh. To wrap up that story about the girl that met Steven Tyler I only let her touch my penis one time. To sum up my feelings on anything American Idol-related- *high-pitched mouth fart*.

That was a good, hate-filled warm up. I plan on submitting to the torture that the new NBC show crap sandwich Outsourced most definitely will be in order that I may write about how it will likely be a method of abortion on par with the "wire coat hanger method." My goal, my mission in life is to cause this show to get canceled. I want to verbally eviscerate all who are responsible for this show. This is the battle I have chosen, people. I am so tired of crappy television and this will be my Hamburger Hill. WHO'S WITH ME? /crickets


  1. Ramble most. I ramble most of the time. I went back and edited for length and clarity for you because I want you to touch my penis one time.

  2. I refuse to be a one-hit wonder.

  3. That's the kind of feisty that will get you stalked.