We all receive spam messages in our email everyday, but some stand out more than others. I was glancing at my gmail spam folder today (which I have found to have the best spam filtering of any free email program) and noticed something different than the ordinary "Come look at my webcam, pervert" and "Make millions on the internet using the same scam I am using right now" junk. O, I almost forgot the Olivia Wilde sexy tits and lesbian make out with Megan Fox while Christina Hendricks watches with her big boobs spam (hello Google search perverts!) This spam message was different because it was an actual death threat. Wouldn't it be noble if it were a death threat because I had hard-hitting insight and commentary on our world today? I think it would be, but no, this seems too vague and the English too broken to be directed at your beloved internet partisan, The Nonpopulist. The picture above is the image of Mohammed which South Park was going to use for their 200th episode, but Comedy Central decided to play it safe and censor the image so as not to offend the Islamic community/ get blown the crap up. I post in now because if I am going to get death threats they might as well be substantive. Here is the text of the email death threat I received:
How are you.KILL/ASSASSINATE me? Little old me? But, why? ...Wait, so now I'm innocent? Why are you emailing me with a chance to pay my way out? Is it all about the money in your killer-for-hire business? You are playing a dangerous game going behind the back of your client to give me a chance to save my own life, but I am grateful for the opportunity. Allow me to plead. I have a wife, and I have not yet impregnated her with my seed so that my name may carry on. I am an ok person. Some people think I am a know-it-all asshole, though. I drink a lot. I use tobacco products from time to time. I have little drive and motivation to succeed, but I enjoy having consciousness. Wait a minute, you're English syntax is falling apart here, man. How am I supposed to take your assassin business seriously if you can't even speak Anglish? So 7:30 is make out time? Nice, I'll give your mom a call then. I don't think I will be meeting your demands, though, as it has already been four days since you emailed this warning. I don't much about your industry, but I would assume follow-through is important, wuss.
Am very sorry for you my friend, is a pity that this is how your life is going to end as soon as you don't comply.As you can see there is no need of introducing myself to you because I don't have any business with you, my duty as I am mailing you now is just to KILL/ASSASSINATE you and I have to do it as I have already been paid for that.
Someone you call a friend wants you Dead by all means, and the person have spent a lot of money on this, the person also came to us and told me that he want you dead and he provided us with your name ,picture and other necessary information's we needed about you. So I sent my boys to track you down and they have carried out the necessary investigation needed for the operation on you, and they have done that but I told them not to kill you that I will like to contact you and see if your life is Important to you or not since their findings shows that you are innocent.
I called my client back and ask him of you email address which I didn't tell him what I wanted to do with it and he gave it to me and I am using it to contact you now. As I am writing to you now my men are monitoring you and they are telling me everything about you.
Now do you want to LIVE OR DIE? As someone has paid us to kill you. Get back to me now if you are ready to pay some fees to spare your life, If you are not ready for my help, then I will carry on with my job straight-up.
WARNING: DO NOT THINK OF CONTACTING THE POLICE OR EVEN TELL ANYONE BECAUSE I WILL KNOW. REMEMBER, SOMEONE WHO KNOWS YOU VERY WELL WANT YOU DEAD! I WILL EXTEND IT TO YOUR FAMILY, IN CASE I NOTICE SOMETHING FUNNY.
DO NOT COME OUT ONCE IT IS 7:30PM UNTIL I MAKE OUT TIME TO SEE YOU AND GIVE YOU THE TAPE OF MY DISCUSSION WITH THE PERSON WHO WANT YOU DEAD AFTER YOU HAVE COMPLIED WITH MY DEMANDS, THEN YOU CAN USE IT TO TAKE ANY LEGAL ACTION.
GOOD LUCK AS I AWAIT YOUR REPLY
Now since all of that serious business is done, bask in the awesomeness of this Youtube clip of a poor man's Soul Train dancing to "It's Time for the Percolator." I dare you to make it through the whole video. You don't have the balls!